Everything is so incredibly confusing for me, and lately it just seems to be getting worse. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to have anxiety. I don’t want to have panic attacks or see a psychologist or be on and off medications because its just not me. No matter how hard I try to explain it to people, they never understand. I always get ‘but.. Why?’ and ‘don’t you think you’re being a little bit dramatic?’. I never get what I need. I have no support and I hate it. I hate a lot of things my life has come to.
I hate knowing that while ‘normal’ people my age are out with friends on a Friday night, I’m at home studying or watching a movie, because the sheer thought of going out makes me want to down the whole case of my tablets and sleep for a week or two.
I hate the fact that because I don’t go out, that I don’t meet people and that leaves me being lonely. It’s a vicious cycle; if I go out, I’m likely to completely break down and embarrass myself and my friends, and not meet anyone. Or if I do go out, and manage to keep myself heavily sedated for the night, I still don’t meet people, then I get sad about knowing no one, and it repeats.
I don’t think anyone understands the sheer pains I get when I go to a party or a club. It’s like.. This tightening in my throat, and suddenly there’s a lack of oxygen in the air and I am gasping to breathe and I can’t. Then it’s like my whole body goes stiff- I could still move it, but it’s like every appendage weighs 1000kgs and is so completely hard to move. And my mind, wow, my mind. There’s just this overwhelming sense of doom. Like this time is the time ill pass out and hit my head and no one will know what to do and ill die. It’s embarrassing. And its set off by stupid things. The other day, i got a postcard from a friend in Las Vegas, and I’m not even joking, i could not look at the picture on the card, what even the fuck?
I don’t like showing anyone that side of me. I’ve been lucky in the past, I’ve managed to find a secluded area to have a freak out in, but the one time I caught someone’s attention- holy fuck balls. How do you tell someone that you will be alright if they just go away when you’re struggling to breathe, let along think clearly because all you’re thinking about is how embarrassing it is and how you actually may die in front of them, and to please not make a scene.
And it’s like, I don’t want to ruin your night by freaking you out. Hey- sorry guy with the cute eyes who kept touching me and asking if he should call 000, I don’t need you to watch me while I break down, but thanks, I wanted the whole 100 people in the party to know I couldn’t breathe.
This week was the first week in a long time that I have felt like going out. I feel like I need to break my habits now and start living life. My therapist seems to think its a good idea, that I should want to eventually socialise and meet new people.
Problem being, everyone that I know won’t take it slow with me. If I agreed to go to a bar for example, I need someone who will be happy to hold my hand and walk me out that door with their head down, not making a scene if I start panicking after 20 minutes. Because that 20 minutes might be an hour next time. And three after that. Who knows.
Point is, I can’t control it, and I hate myself for that.
|Mind:||You're fucking worthless no one likes you|
|Mind:||Don't even bother looking at that dress you will look like a whale in it|
|Mind:||Why are you looking at him? He thinks you're ugly.|
|Mind:||Cry because you're not worth it|
|Mind:||Self harm because you're so pathetic|
|Mind:||Starve because you're so fat|
|Mind:||Jump because no one will care that you're gone|
|Friend:||Hey are you okay?|
|Me:||Yeah i'm fine just tired!|
|Male cashier with multiple tattoos (two of them are colored in with rainbow):||How are you this evening?|
|Me:||Pretty good. Starving, obviously. How are you?|
|Cashier:||Not bad. I can't wait to get off my shift and get home to my boyfriend.|
|Woman behind me:||Wait, you're gay?|
|Cashier:||Yeah. . . ?|
|Woman:||That's a shame.|
|Woman:||He seemed like such a wonderful man, it's a shame he's gay.|
|Cashier:||Why is it a shame?|
|Woman:||It's wrong! It's immoral, it's dis-|
|Me:||Excuse me, but what's it to you if he's gay?|
|Me:||But how does it affect you?|
|Me:||Where exactly does it start to make sense that it affects you? A relationship is between 2 people, not 3.|
|Woman:||*sputters a bit, then leaves without her food*|
|Cashier:||. . . Wow, thank you.|
|Me:||Ignorant people are the reason I claim to be allergic to the human race.|
(via imgTumble)^^ too true Just because I can do the splits doesnt mean I want everyone in the shops/movies/beach/school/party staring at me wondering why I am 1. Doing the splits and 2. Seeing my underpants because my pants ripped
So true, does is look like my jeans can do that without splitting?! VVVV
Just because I can do the splits doesn’t mean the pants I’m wearing can.